Well it goes without saying I find this twosome irksome. They look like vampires... and one of them is even called EDWARD! I thought Eoughanough Quiggles from last year was repellant. These two make me remember him with fondness. D'you think Same Difference are watching at home, fretting that 'Jeward' will be pinching their Butlin's career? I mean... it's not like they can hire two slightly creepily insestual reality show failures? Good thing about Jedward is that Butlin's will only need to hire one of them. All they need to do is prop up a mirror. It's just like when one of the Veronicas are ill.
Now by now you've probably realised I'm not much of a patron of strip clubs. So I was perplexed as to why these loverly ladies were being hounded for having once worked at such establishments. Why complain about their past when there's so much more to complain about in their present?
Giggle. Giggle. Lol. Stacey Solomon is like if Mariah Carey thought the word "poo" was the funniest thing on the planet. Let's hope she never performs at Glastonbury. She might have a fit if she sees a flag waving in the audience with a picture of a penis on.
"DOWN IN FRONT!" Oh sorry... that's the performer. The reason Jamie Archer has a big afro is because he can have a big afro and he wants to rub it all our faces. Us with a sensible hair. He also has it like that so that you don't notice how WEIRD is face actually looks. Just imagine him bald! His face is strange. And imagine him with a blond wig! He'd look the spit of Billie Piper.
I swear I've seen these two in some twink fetish video? Well, they're better singers then they are actors.
Oh wow! Look! It's Leon Jackson! I mean... Ray Quinn. Sorry! It's ... oh I dunno. Basically he's the swooney loney (that's a joke because his name is Rikki Loney... get it?) who will make a lot of attempts to do swing music very badly and wear hats. Plus he has the mark of the devil on his left eyebrow.
Danyl Johnson is the 'cocky' one which burst into tears when LGBT activist Dannii Minogue said "you remind me of ghey?" To which Simon slapped her right across that plasticine face of hers which she has spent the whole of Sunday morning reconstructing. Anyway, he's a drama teacher so surely he MUST be heterosexual, they don't allow gay people near children. Also with his massive eyes he looks a bit like an unconvincing action figure of himself. (It should be noted that he is actually one of the few ones which have a... X-Factor or whatever.)
And finally the most talented person on last night I think was this contestant in the over 25 category. Apparently he used to be in a failed pop group but that shouldn't stop him, they had someone from S Club 8 in the comp! Keep an eye on this one. He'll go far!
I would say I hope Jedward goes... but then I'd miss Simon Cowell calling them "a musical disaster". To be honest, I hope Dannii goes. She looks like she smells too much of soap. I mean... a bit of soap is nice but not THAT much.
Anyway... Jedward can't leave. It'd probably be the final thing that kills Louis Walsh after the death of his Boyzone friend. Rest in peace Boyzone guy! I was never a fan but it's always sad when people die and they weren't dictators.
Mark boardman had a first audition last year and has gone on to film several shows for the BBC and T4, he now mixes with the celebs at London film premieres!
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